Once again, anti-imperialist liberation hero, international statesman, economic genius and demi-God on earth, President Robert Mugabe has successfully stuck it to the scheming and duplicitous European and North American governments trying to undermine the sovereign Republic of Zimbabwe. Mugabe, the savvy political whiz-kid, has been able to engineer a situation where there will be a run off election for the Presidency of Zimbabwe. Some of the more, naive, inadvertent puppets of Western MSM may not understand why this is such a fillip for the man who learned judges call ‘Zimbabwe’s Mandela’, but let me explain to you using the insight that only a totally hot bona fide lawyer with her own completely genuine practice can provide.

Many of you may be aware that the 3rd candidate in this election – other than President Mugabe and leader of the Western funded, ruthless, outlaw, MDC, noted anti government conspirator, and a man willing to have his own people torture him so he can show the scars and blame it on the government, Morgan Tsvengurai – is ‘former’ ZANU-PF loyalist Simba Makoni (No relation to Stuart Makoni of NME fame).

What you will almost certainly not be aware of is that Makoni is the totally preferred candidate of President Mugabe to take over the glorious socialist revolution when Mugabe himself is unable to continue in the job due to his advancing years. Mugabe tried to position Makoni for this when he made him Finance Minister in 2000, however Mugabe knew that despite all of the ‘cleansing’ he had achieved over the years there were still some imperialist British forces within ZANU-PF (he even knew for a fact that some of them had DVD Box Sets of Some Mother’s Do ‘Ave ‘Em) who would try to block Makoni’s progress should he be seen as Mugabe’s man. Because of these elements, Mugabe devised a dead cunning plan to have Makoni say dissenting things about the government’s policies, break away from ZANU-PF, run as an independent where he could prevent the MDC gaining over 50% of the vote, swing his weight back behind Mugabe in the run-off election, thus ensuring through political dealing that he would be seen by all as Mugabe’s rightful successor. This, extraordinary, Machiavellian plan was the only way the imperialist forces could be out-manoeuvred and Bob (Mugabe, not my brother, Bob!!!) was the only man who could execute it.

Obviously the MDC have lied and claimed that Tsvengurai has achieved over 50% of the vote to avoid a run-off and foil the brilliant presidential masterplan, but INDEPENDENT observers have rejected this seditious nonsense. Clearly irate at having the democratic process in Zimbabwe subverted this way, the police have taken strong and decisive action in raiding MDC headquarters and detaining activists in order that a fair and unbiased campaign can continue and good governance prevail throughout the land.

A scurrilous rumour going around is that ZANU-PF have added the names of thousands of dead people to the electoral role to increase the vote for their candidates and provide a false result. What an outrage! What white imperialist pro-Rhodesia propaganda! The fact here is that ZANU-PF are totally the only ones bright enough to understand that, in Zimbabwe, the dead cannot be denied their voting rights! Let me explain. The life expectancy in Zimbabwe is extremely low at 39 years. The reason for this is not government incompetence as some others may have you believe, it is in fact due to imperialist British agents undercover in the Zimbabwe health system striking a secret deal with Chemo-Fascist cartel GlaxoSmithKlein (GSK) to spend the entire Health Service budget on Lucozade. GSK grossly overstated the medicinal benefits of Lucozade and, while minor colds and hangovers were treated effectively, many more serious diseases were not combated by the gloopy death poison that GSK and their friends in the UK government had inflicted on Zimbabwe.

Now that we have established factually why the life expectancy is so low, we can come to understand why the dead must be allowed their say. Very few of the population alive now were involved in the independence struggle. These lazy ingrates have sat back and grown fat off of the work of their forefathers. They do not truly understand what Robert Mugabe has done for Zimbabwe. The fate of this election cannot be left to them, the people who must decide it are TRUE Zimbabweans! REVOLUTIONARY Zimbabweans! DEAD Zimbabweans!

These dead Zimbabweans are the type of people who can cut through all of the bullshit that is reported by Western media and lies proffered by Western agents. They know that Zimbabwe is leading the world in all sorts of fields, such as:

Zimbabwe is proudly winning the war on cattle obesity!

Zimbabwe has more billionaires than any other country!

Zimbabwe has the most arable farmland in the hands of bloodthirsty militias in Sub-Saharan Africa!

This is the sort of information that you won’t hear on the BBC (Bourgeois Bumfuckers Cabal). The same BBC who are already laying the groundwork for an imperialist invasion when Mugabe wins – undercover SAS agent John Simpson has been in Zimbabwe preparing for a week, in blatant contravention of Zimbabwe law – but it won’t work BBC! It won’t work Mark Thompson! It won’t work Huw Edwards! It won’t work Terry Wogan! Once again, the imperialist forces will fall to Robert Mugabe, through his intellect and indefatigability, the proud revolutionary who can never be conquered.

As a fellow anti-imperialist and revolutionary, I will celebrate President Mugabe’s victory in the run-off election with a can of non-alcoholic lager (non-alcoholic, because alcohol is bad for you and lager because I am won ov da ladz) whilst watching my beloved Same Difference videos on YouTube. It’s not downtown Harare, but it’s the next best thing.

Viva Sicillia!

Cuba Libre!

Well Done Zimbabwe!